And Baby Makes Three: Adjusting to Life After Kids
We all know how the fairytale is supposed to go – Prince Charming sweeps you off your feet, you have the wedding of your dreams, and then you run off together to a house with a white picket fence and a family waiting in the wings.
OK, so not everyone has the same fairytale. For some, the post-wedding bliss is followed by years of traveling or pursuing career aspirations. Kids may be far down the list of things to do, and for some – they may not even be on the list at all. Everything about that is acceptable, and the beauty of fairytales is that couples get to decide together what their own should consist of.
For those who do choose to pursue parenthood, however, adjusting to life with a baby and beyond can sometimes be more challenging then they expect.
For as much joy as children can bring, they also usher forth with them an entirely new way of living. Gone are the nights when you and your spouse could stay out until dawn or pack a bag and travel on a whim. Much of the freedom you likely enjoyed as newlyweds will now be limited by feeding schedules and naptimes. When that is all part of the dream, you find ways to make it work; but that doesn’t mean it always comes easily.
The first six months with a new baby can be especially difficult on a relationship. The lack of sleep combines with relentless cries and a needy little person residing in your arms who makes it difficult to connect as a couple at all. Things you once deemed important, like personal hygiene and a fulfilling sex life, may fly out the window in favor instead for weekly showers and bi-monthly quickies. Life, as you knew it, changes drastically and almost as if overnight.
Described like that, it can sound quite horrifying. But the firsts will make all the sleepless nights worth it as you each fall more in love with your new bundle of joy, and with time – the juggling of parenthood and your marital relationship does become easier. That doesn’t mean you should put your relationship on the backburner under the assumption that it will eventually just right itself though.
Marriages take work, and with a new baby especially – the commitment to adjust and grow together is important.
Keep the lines of communication open and strive to set aside at least 15 minutes a day for meaningful conversations with your spouse – the kind where you talk about something other than the kids. Make time for each other as well, arranging a date night at least once a week where you splurge on a babysitter and remember what it is like to go out without a child attached to your hip. As your kids get older, it can even be beneficial to plan one kid-free vacation a year – bringing your children to the grandparents while you and your honey run away together for a week of reconnecting somewhere tropical and relaxing.
The point is to carve out those moments when you still get to be a couple, despite the new additions to your lives. Remember that the best thing you can do for your children is show them what a happy and healthy relationship looks like. Good marriages take work, and you shouldn’t use having kids as an excuse to stop nurturing your relationship as a couple.
Adjusting to life after babies means first remembering to find yourselves every once in a while as well.